Parenting and Family
Sometimes we are so distracted by handling obligations and problems on a daily basis that we don't notice the changes that are happening in our lives. The dramatic changes that have occurred over the past year and a half in our family and in our roles as parents and child were brought home to me last night.
Ping and I are both concerned about whether Cici is getting enough sleep. We have tried in different ways to address this concern. Ping's way would be to have me be very stern with Cici and lay down a mandate about computer use, bedtime, and so forth. That Ping would look to me to be the enforcer is surprising in itself, but that her reason for doing it is because she believes Cici will only respond to me and not to Ping is even more surprising.
My preferred way of handling it is to discuss it with Cici and reach an agreed solution rather than dictating how things will be. Ping and I have discussed this a lot and reached an agreement about how to proceed. We agreed to talk with Cici about turning off her laptop at 10:00 each night and being in bed and asleep by 11:00. These rules would be from Sunday night through Thursday night during the school year. Ping talked with Cici first and told me that Cici had agreed with the plan, but said that I should also talk with Cici.
I talked with Cici and she confirmed that she had agreed to the plan. I pressed her on it as we talked about the plan, and asked her if she was really in agreement with it. We talked in the way that we talk with each other, joking and laughing, but she assured me that she had agreed with and would abide by the plan. Yesterday Ping told me that she believed Cici had not honored the plan the preceding day, so it was my job to confront her about it. She wanted to implement what I perceived to be Draconian measures, which I thought would be counterproductive. Ping deferred to my point of view, and I agreed to talk with Cici.
I waited until Ping and Cici returned from the gym last evening. Cici had finished her homework and I had reviewed the part that she wanted me to review. Cici, I called after she went to her room. We have something we need to talk about. I know what it is, Papa, she told me as she came into the living room to sit down. She sat down on the sofa with me. Mama told me that I need to talk with you about what happened the other night, she said. She was laughing as we talked.
Did Mama tell you what she thinks we should do, I asked her? Yes, Papa. So you know that I am the only thing standing between you and the new plan that Mama and I discussed? Yes, Papa. Cici, I am talking to you because Mama and Papa love you and we are concerned about your health. We don't want to take away privileges from you, but we also must know that when we agree on something, you will honor that agreement. Does that make sense to you? Yes, Papa. So do I need to get really stern about this, or can we just agree that talking about it this way is sufficient?
Ping was there with us now, listening. This is the way Cici and I talk about things, I explained to Ping. We are laughing but she knows I am very serious. Is that true, Cici? I asked. Yes, that is true Mama, she said. I know that Papa is serious. I will do as we have agreed.
As we talked, it became clear that Cici thought she had honored the agreement we had already made, because she stopped using her computer at 10:00, but the computer was still downloading something from the Internet. Ping saw Cici doing something with the computer at 11:00 when she was supposed to be in bed, but Cici said that all she was doing was turning off the computer since it had finished the downloads. Her defense was that it was a technical violation only, but not a real violation of the agreement.
So is this the last time we will need to discuss this issue? I asked Cici. Yes, Papa, I promise.
Somehow, without lobbying for the position, our roles have evolved in our family. Ping and Cici both accept me as the final authority on family matters. I have never played the heavy with either of them. I treat Ping as an equal partner in the marriage. I treat Cici as an intelligent young adult. I think she wants my approval, so she tries to do things the right way. I have learned that she has at times asked Ping not to tell Papa about something when she knows she did something that I would disapprove of, because she doesn't want me to be disappointed in her.
I know I haven't done it the Chinese way, which would be ruling the family with an iron fist because I am the man of the house, but my two Chinese ladies have nevertheless accepted me in the traditional Chinese role. They call it being filial. That is the greatest respect that I could ever expect to earn from them, so I am happy that despite all my faults, they have decided to give me that respect. These are my amazing girls.
Ping and I are both concerned about whether Cici is getting enough sleep. We have tried in different ways to address this concern. Ping's way would be to have me be very stern with Cici and lay down a mandate about computer use, bedtime, and so forth. That Ping would look to me to be the enforcer is surprising in itself, but that her reason for doing it is because she believes Cici will only respond to me and not to Ping is even more surprising.
My preferred way of handling it is to discuss it with Cici and reach an agreed solution rather than dictating how things will be. Ping and I have discussed this a lot and reached an agreement about how to proceed. We agreed to talk with Cici about turning off her laptop at 10:00 each night and being in bed and asleep by 11:00. These rules would be from Sunday night through Thursday night during the school year. Ping talked with Cici first and told me that Cici had agreed with the plan, but said that I should also talk with Cici.
I talked with Cici and she confirmed that she had agreed to the plan. I pressed her on it as we talked about the plan, and asked her if she was really in agreement with it. We talked in the way that we talk with each other, joking and laughing, but she assured me that she had agreed with and would abide by the plan. Yesterday Ping told me that she believed Cici had not honored the plan the preceding day, so it was my job to confront her about it. She wanted to implement what I perceived to be Draconian measures, which I thought would be counterproductive. Ping deferred to my point of view, and I agreed to talk with Cici.
I waited until Ping and Cici returned from the gym last evening. Cici had finished her homework and I had reviewed the part that she wanted me to review. Cici, I called after she went to her room. We have something we need to talk about. I know what it is, Papa, she told me as she came into the living room to sit down. She sat down on the sofa with me. Mama told me that I need to talk with you about what happened the other night, she said. She was laughing as we talked.
Did Mama tell you what she thinks we should do, I asked her? Yes, Papa. So you know that I am the only thing standing between you and the new plan that Mama and I discussed? Yes, Papa. Cici, I am talking to you because Mama and Papa love you and we are concerned about your health. We don't want to take away privileges from you, but we also must know that when we agree on something, you will honor that agreement. Does that make sense to you? Yes, Papa. So do I need to get really stern about this, or can we just agree that talking about it this way is sufficient?
Ping was there with us now, listening. This is the way Cici and I talk about things, I explained to Ping. We are laughing but she knows I am very serious. Is that true, Cici? I asked. Yes, that is true Mama, she said. I know that Papa is serious. I will do as we have agreed.
As we talked, it became clear that Cici thought she had honored the agreement we had already made, because she stopped using her computer at 10:00, but the computer was still downloading something from the Internet. Ping saw Cici doing something with the computer at 11:00 when she was supposed to be in bed, but Cici said that all she was doing was turning off the computer since it had finished the downloads. Her defense was that it was a technical violation only, but not a real violation of the agreement.
So is this the last time we will need to discuss this issue? I asked Cici. Yes, Papa, I promise.
Somehow, without lobbying for the position, our roles have evolved in our family. Ping and Cici both accept me as the final authority on family matters. I have never played the heavy with either of them. I treat Ping as an equal partner in the marriage. I treat Cici as an intelligent young adult. I think she wants my approval, so she tries to do things the right way. I have learned that she has at times asked Ping not to tell Papa about something when she knows she did something that I would disapprove of, because she doesn't want me to be disappointed in her.
I know I haven't done it the Chinese way, which would be ruling the family with an iron fist because I am the man of the house, but my two Chinese ladies have nevertheless accepted me in the traditional Chinese role. They call it being filial. That is the greatest respect that I could ever expect to earn from them, so I am happy that despite all my faults, they have decided to give me that respect. These are my amazing girls.
It would seem that being involved in mediation has taken a firm grip in you life.
I was reading something recently about how children learn by example. While I think Angela might not be in the learning stage, the way you handle such events hopefully will be a example for an enlightened way of living.
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It might be the mediation influence, Smitty, but it may also be the battle scars from being the managing partner in a large law firm for five years.
Cici is a Buddha admirer as well, so I think she likes the low stress way that I try to resolve problems.
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